Tonight,
Andrew will receive the very last drop of breastmilk in our house. I knew this moment was coming, and to be
honest, I have lots of mixed emotions.
Books, classes, the internet, and other moms prepare you for so much
when you are pregnant with your first child but nothing prepared me for the
breastfeeding journey I had with Andrew.
You’ve probably heard it said by other people, other moms, or in other
blogs that “breastfeeding is natural” so therefore the assumption is that it
should be so easy for a mom to do. The
class I went to at our hospital didn’t really touch on it not being an easy
process. The only real reference to that
was “don’t you worry, we have lactation consultants who will come work with you
in the hospital and we will get it all worked out.” You’ve probably also heard that breastfeeding
creates an amazing bond between and mom and their child. And for some moms, I would guess that it does
come easy or maybe just with a few bumps.
And for some moms it is the most amazing bond in the world and something
that they will cherish. Well, let me be
honest. Breastfeeding was hell for me.
I wanted
more than anything to have the amazing, easy, incredibly bonding experience of
breastfeeding my child. And to be
honest, I wanted the free food source since babies cost about a trillion
dollars during their first year (and I hear this doesn’t stop). My very first experience feeding my child
included a random nurse coming into our makeshift room after my c-section and
literally shoving Andrew’s mouth onto me without any warning. I am talking up close and personal
shoving. I thought things were going
fine, but when we got moved to our post-partum room our wonderful nurse came
strolling in with the hospital grade pump and announced “I heard breastfeeding
wasn’t going well, so we brought in the pump for you to try.” Talk about dashing a new mom’s joy. I then spent the next three days in the
hospital struggling with feeding. I was
in pain. My body looked like a war zone. And I kept lying to the lactation consultants
because I am stubborn and because I didn’t want anyone to know I was
failing. Though I was honest enough to
get one of them to bring me some little soothing gel pad thing that was a
literal life saver.
When we got
home, things did not get better. I was
absolutely miserable. And in so much pain. Seriously, no one prepares you for the fact
that breastfeeding can be extremely painful.
And if it is, typically that is a sign that there might be something
wrong either with your latch or your child may have a tongue or lip tie. I can’t begin to explain how many tears I
cried the first few days (okay, let’s be honest…the first two weeks). My family saw how much I was struggling and
supported my going to see a lactation consultant outside of the hospital (shout
out to the amazing team at Belly to Cradle in Pensacola). Mike was amazing and came with me to the
appointment because he wanted to help in any way that he could. While I appreciated him so much, especially when
he would wake up during middle of the night feedings and just be there with me
and come to appointments like this, I felt so alone throughout this
struggle. The lactation consultant was
extremely helpful, gave me a nipple shield (otherwise known as a blessing from
God), and recommended we go forward with removing the tongue tie Andrew had.
Things got
better for a few days, including after getting the tongue tie taken care of,
but I was still in so much pain and I hated every minute Andrew was latched to
me. I hated it so much that I only let him
stay latched for 10-15 minutes at a time.
He was probably miserable and so hungry.
During the first two weeks when I was really struggling with
breastfeeding, I started to feel postpartum depression and anxiety knocking on
my door. I wasn’t bonding with my child,
I was starting to resent the fact that I was the only food source for him. I was miserable and I knew if I continued to
feel this way, I would spiral into full postpartum depression. Something absolutely had to be done. And because I was stubborn at that point, I
refused to completely quit breastfeeding and switch to formula. Mostly because I didn’t want to spend the
money.
November 12,
2017. The day everything changed. We were finally going to leave the house as a
little family of three to go to Friendsgiving with the young adults at our
church. I was beyond stressed about how
I would breastfeed in public. I wasn’t
comfortable with it and still wasn’t enjoying it, so I made the decision to
pump in order to have a bottle we could give Andrew while we were out. It took sooo much stress off of me. Then on November 14th we had 24
hours of just formula to help get rid of the jaundice Andrew had. During those 24 hours, I pumped essentially
every two hours. And that is when the
exclusive pumping journey began. I wasn’t
able to breastfeed Andrew directly ever again.
I tried a couple times, but nope, our journey was over. And then I spent the next 9.5 months attached
to my little machine. It went with me
everywhere. Car trips, bathrooms,
offices, family’s houses, friends’ houses, church, school, even to amusement
parks. My life revolved around when my
next pump session needed to be. I
planned social outings and work around the pump. Pumping is exhausting. And incredibly difficult when you are alone
with your baby trying to pump and also manage them. And pumping takes hours away from time you
can have with your baby, with your friends, and with your family. But it was worth it to me in order to be able
to give Andrew some amount of breastmilk.
I was also incredibly lucky to have other moms going through a
breastfeeding journey at the same time as me who I could talk to and complain
to when I needed. I also managed to find
some incredible and supportive facebook groups for moms who were exclusively
pumping.
My very first bottle of pumped milk
My first night back at school having to pump in the bathroom before class
We won’t
discuss the time my husband ruined 200 ounces of breastmilk, but we will talk
about the fact that he stepped up and helped in ways many dads don’t because I
needed to pump. I am so appreciative of
him. Many of you will say it is silly
for me to be thankful because a dad is supposed to be a 50/50 partner, but he
supported me throughout my entire journey and I really don’t know that every
dad would. I was also very fortunate to
have an amazing classmate who, when he heard I was pumping in the bathroom
before class, found me a location in his office where I could pump. We were also extremely blessed at the
beginning of my pumping journey and were not only able to feed Andrew, but to
also put milk away in the freezer, and to donate milk to another family in
need. We weren’t able to donate as much
as I would have liked to, but it meant so much to help another mom especially
because I know if the roles were reversed, they would have done the same for
Andrew and I.
The infamous 200 ounces of milk that was ruined
When Andrew
turned 10 months, I stopped pumping. My
supply had dropped significantly around the time Andrew was 6 months. And, I was done with the pump. I wanted that time back. When you add up all the hours I was on a pump, I probably spent at least 25-30 days of Andrew's first year attached to the pump (so at very least 600 hours of pumping). When I stopped pumping, we were able to do about half
formula, half milk for a little while thanks to the stash we had in the freezer.
Now, he gets more formula than milk.
And you know what, I’m 100% okay with that because he is being fed and
he is growing. I have a new appreciation
for all the ways that a mother can feed their child after this journey and I
will never look down on anyone who either makes the decision, or has the
decision made for them, that they need to use formula to feed their baby. And remember all that money I wanted to save
breastfeeding instead of using formula?? HA!
Exclusively pumping is soo expensive.
Between pump parts, buying a better pump if you don’t like the one
insurance gave you, bags, pumping bras, and other storage items for milk (in
our case a fancy cooler for car trips to VA and TN as well as a deep freezer)
we probably spent just as much money as we would have with formula.
The official last pump
So tonight,
my little boy will get his last sip of breastmilk. I’m sad that this stage in our journey is
ending, but I am damn proud of everything we went through to get to this
point. It was one of the most difficult
experiences of my life, but we made it.
