Fred the Donkey

For those of you who know me well, or to be honest, have ever interacted with me, you know that I like to feel in control of things and like to have everything planned out as much as I can. Sometimes this is a great thing, sometimes it drives people crazy, and sometimes things just happen that I can't control or plan out (which causes me to become a little frantic and anxious). When I'm not in control or have my own plan, I tend to ask a lot of questions so that I get all the information I need to understand what I'm doing or feel like I am kind of in control.

Well, when a little Greek man sticks you on top of a large donkey without a guide at the bottom of the island of Santorini so that you can get to the top of the island where everything is, you really have no control whatsoever and just have to trust that your donkey knows what it is doing and where it is going.....go ahead and imagine what was running through my mind. I bet several of you are laughing right now.

Getting to the island from our cruise ship was a little rocky to start out with. There wasn't a dock in port for our ship to pull up to so we stopped in the middle of the sea and had to take tender boats from the ship to the island. Usually this wouldn't have been bad, but the weather wasn't the greatest and the sea was acting pretty angry so it was a rough ride from the ship to the island. Once you get to the island you have two choices- 1. take the reliable, safe cable car up to the top or 2. ride a donkey all the way to the top. I was talked into taking the donkey option to the top of the island because who knew when I would have the opportunity to do that again.

So my little group got up to where they put you on donkeys and I saw that some people were put on a "donkey train" which was several donkeys tied together and then led up by a guide. The others in my group got put on a donkey train....not me. I was put on "Fred"(this was the name I came up with for my donkey after our adventure together) who was by himself and had no guide. Clearly, the control freak in me didn't like this plan, but again, you have to do what the little Greek man tells you to do. Well, Fred had a mind of his own. Instead of taking his time getting up to the top of the island, or staying in order behind all the other donkeys, he decided he would go really fast and then abruptly stop all of a sudden. And when another donkey was in his way he would just hit them as hard as he could in the butt with his head. And then there were several times where he decided it would be cool to get as close as he could to the edge of the cliff. Needless to say, I was having a mini panic attack riding Fred. He was probably having the time of his life. There was nothing I could do but hold on for dear life and hope that Fred would get me to the top of the island. I really wish there was a video of this for you all to see.

Luckily, Fred did manage to get me to the top of the island. Never again will I take a donkey to the top of Santorini again..next time I will stick with the cable car. After getting to the top, I realized that the crazy ride with Fred was worth it. Santorini is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to in my life. We got there right in time to see the sunset over the sea as well which was just breathtaking. I spent my short amount of time on the island wandering the streets, speaking with locals, and shopping. It was so relaxing and just incredible. And of course, I decided to take the cable car back down to the bottom of the island instead of going back down on Fred.

The point of this story is that sometimes there are things in life that we can't control, things that may scare us, and our journey might not be exactly what we had planned. But when these things happen, we end up with a beautiful experience or a great story that sticks with us and makes us realize that it is okay to let go sometimes, that being afraid of something shouldn't stop us from doing it, and that we learn so much about ourselves when we take a detour on our journey.

This is Fred my donkey

This is me at the end of my crazy journey with Fred. You might not be able to tell, but I am terrified.

Views like this one were what made the crazy journey worthwhile

It's Time That You Won

Too often we live our lives in fear. Fear of failure. Fear of doing the wrong thing. Fear of falling in love too fast. Fear of taking that one step that will put us on the right path for our lives. When did we start being so fearful? When did the switch in our lives change from being a carefree child who wanted to see the world and would take any risk to do so? Maybe it was the first time we got hurt. Maybe it was the first time we failed. Maybe we just learned from society that all things don't end with the perfect happy ending, so we stopped trying to find it. When we let fear take over, we stop living. We stay inside our safety nets and build up walls so people can't get too close and can't get to know who we really are. 

I think I've been stuck in fear since December 4, 2009. I hate the fact that I can remember certain dates in my life. Typically they are the ones that I want to forget, but for some reason they stay etched somewhere inside me and I can't get rid of them no matter what I do or how hard I try. There were plenty of times before this when I messed up, when I disappointed others, when I let fear hold me back, but this was the first time in my life that I felt like an utter failure and had no idea how I was going to pick up the pieces and start back over. I've come to learn that life is all a series of moments that we have to piece together, and sometimes have to piece back together when our puzzle falls apart or is missing a crucial piece. 

Sometimes, after we feel like we have failed, we rush back into something instead of taking the time to really reflect on what happened and what we could have done differently. Sometimes we don't take the time we need to heal before we try to put the pieces back together, and typically thats when we put the wrong pieces together and have to fight with the puzzle pieces to get them back apart before we can start putting things in the right place. We force things to get better, or things to happen, before we are really ready to move forward. As a person who for most of their life up until that point has been very successful, had always been really involved, and had usually been praised for the work they did, I hated feeling like a failure and so I rushed into a new situation that ended up being ten times worse than the first and made me lose trust in people. I started to build up my walls to keep people out on September 6th, 2010. 

Luckily, the past two years since then have been better. I've started to feel successful again, I've gotten the chance to do amazing things and go to incredible places. I've felt needed and appreciated. I managed to find two institutions where I knew I could make a difference. Things are slowly getting better. But I've still spent the better times living in fear. I constantly walk on eggshells afraid that I am going to do something wrong, say the wrong thing, or hurt someone to the point where they won't be in my life anymore. I still have my walls built up where instead of going out and meeting people, I stay inside, in my safety net, where I can't get hurt and where I can't hurt anyone. if you let it, fear will cripple you. 

So what is the point of this post? It isn't to make you feel sorry for me, or to make you wonder what happened because of how vague I've been. I think I've honestly been living in denial for the past few years of how much certain things in my life have affected me. I've kept things bottled inside that probably should have come out a long time ago. And I let fear take over. I also know that I'm not the only person who has done this. There are plenty of people in this world, and especially in this country where success is the quintessential " American Dream", who have let fear stop them from doing what they love. From taking a risk. From visiting another country. From telling someone that they love them. Its beyond time that we stop letting fear control us. We need to start living our lives again. The key song in one of my favorite musicals (which also happens to be a movie which is where the song originally comes from), Once, has a line in it which really hits home with me and I hope will hit home with some of you as well :

                                                  "You have suffered enough

                                                   And warred with yourself

                                                   It's time that you won"

So 2013, guess what? I may be a couple weeks late in putting up a resolution, but I'm going to win this year. I'm going to start, one step at a time, letting go of the fear and taking down the bricks in my wall. I know it won't be easy and I don't have the blueprint on how to do it, but I'm determined to. I already know I have big adventures ahead of me this year and I want to experience them without fear. 

Plus, I think that it is time that we all win. So if there is anything that is holding you back from accomplishing your dreams, seeing the parts of the world you want to, or anything else, start letting go and take risks :)