Too often we live our lives in fear. Fear of failure. Fear of doing the wrong thing. Fear of falling in love too fast. Fear of taking that one step that will put us on the right path for our lives. When did we start being so fearful? When did the switch in our lives change from being a carefree child who wanted to see the world and would take any risk to do so? Maybe it was the first time we got hurt. Maybe it was the first time we failed. Maybe we just learned from society that all things don't end with the perfect happy ending, so we stopped trying to find it. When we let fear take over, we stop living. We stay inside our safety nets and build up walls so people can't get too close and can't get to know who we really are.
I think I've been stuck in fear since December 4, 2009. I hate the fact that I can remember certain dates in my life. Typically they are the ones that I want to forget, but for some reason they stay etched somewhere inside me and I can't get rid of them no matter what I do or how hard I try. There were plenty of times before this when I messed up, when I disappointed others, when I let fear hold me back, but this was the first time in my life that I felt like an utter failure and had no idea how I was going to pick up the pieces and start back over. I've come to learn that life is all a series of moments that we have to piece together, and sometimes have to piece back together when our puzzle falls apart or is missing a crucial piece.
Sometimes, after we feel like we have failed, we rush back into something instead of taking the time to really reflect on what happened and what we could have done differently. Sometimes we don't take the time we need to heal before we try to put the pieces back together, and typically thats when we put the wrong pieces together and have to fight with the puzzle pieces to get them back apart before we can start putting things in the right place. We force things to get better, or things to happen, before we are really ready to move forward. As a person who for most of their life up until that point has been very successful, had always been really involved, and had usually been praised for the work they did, I hated feeling like a failure and so I rushed into a new situation that ended up being ten times worse than the first and made me lose trust in people. I started to build up my walls to keep people out on September 6th, 2010.
Luckily, the past two years since then have been better. I've started to feel successful again, I've gotten the chance to do amazing things and go to incredible places. I've felt needed and appreciated. I managed to find two institutions where I knew I could make a difference. Things are slowly getting better. But I've still spent the better times living in fear. I constantly walk on eggshells afraid that I am going to do something wrong, say the wrong thing, or hurt someone to the point where they won't be in my life anymore. I still have my walls built up where instead of going out and meeting people, I stay inside, in my safety net, where I can't get hurt and where I can't hurt anyone. if you let it, fear will cripple you.
So what is the point of this post? It isn't to make you feel sorry for me, or to make you wonder what happened because of how vague I've been. I think I've honestly been living in denial for the past few years of how much certain things in my life have affected me. I've kept things bottled inside that probably should have come out a long time ago. And I let fear take over. I also know that I'm not the only person who has done this. There are plenty of people in this world, and especially in this country where success is the quintessential " American Dream", who have let fear stop them from doing what they love. From taking a risk. From visiting another country. From telling someone that they love them. Its beyond time that we stop letting fear control us. We need to start living our lives again. The key song in one of my favorite musicals (which also happens to be a movie which is where the song originally comes from), Once, has a line in it which really hits home with me and I hope will hit home with some of you as well :
"You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won"
So 2013, guess what? I may be a couple weeks late in putting up a resolution, but I'm going to win this year. I'm going to start, one step at a time, letting go of the fear and taking down the bricks in my wall. I know it won't be easy and I don't have the blueprint on how to do it, but I'm determined to. I already know I have big adventures ahead of me this year and I want to experience them without fear.
Plus, I think that it is time that we all win. So if there is anything that is holding you back from accomplishing your dreams, seeing the parts of the world you want to, or anything else, start letting go and take risks :)
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